Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Parent University

We all know there are no classes,books, or pod-casts that can get you ready for parenthood. You may know at what age babies should start eating solids, or what to do when they have a diaper rash, but NOTHING prepares you for life with kids (except experience, and even that fails us sometimes). What works for one, may not work for the other. What your first child likes might make your second scream uncontrollably. I mean, we make these humans out of our own cells and blood, why would it be so hard to raise them? Shouldn't we be able to control them with our minds?! That'd make everything so simple, but sorry, aint happenin', unless you somehow hypnotize them into listening to every word you speak (that may not be good either). Since our kids aren't singing "Momma Dadda Momma, can't you see, sometimes your words just hypontize me", we need to go about it in more creative ways. There's one thing we can all agree on; parenting is truly the hardest job in the world. 

Insert "Parent University", where classes offered are actually useful in the real world of parenting. 
Classes Offered at Parent University 

Cooking - How to cook breakfast, lunch, and/or dinner while holding a baby. First lesson: how to crack on egg in a pan (without any shells falling in) while holding your baby. Second lesson: How to get an entire meal cooked with two kids running around and playing at your feet.  

Ninja moves - How to get out of a bed with a sleeping child without waking them up. First lesson: shifting your body weight without making one side of the bed dip too far down, thus waking up baby.  

Magic tricks-  How to open anything without making noises. First lesson: Silently opening a bag of chips. Second lesson: How do silently EAT the chips. Third lesson: Making no movements while punching a straw through a juice box for another child. 

Driver's Ed - How to drive a car, pick up dropped sippy cups, hand food to the back seat, and listen to the same song 1500 times without "turning this car around and going home!!!" 

Cleaning - How to clean a house that will then be destroyed exactly 9 seconds later without having a nervous breakdown. This takes practice but before you know it, these messes will no longer bother you (unless you get a call that a friend is stopping by...then you become the Cat In The Hat and clean the house spotless in record time) 

Human Anatomy - Never knew you had eyes in the back of your head did you? Your body goes through miraculous changes when becoming a parent. First lesson: How to use the eyes in the back of your head. 

Physical Education for the Brain - How to expand your brain and store information on where all toys, stuffed animals, and sippy cups are at all times. First Lesson: Memory Expansion to ensure you don't forget any birthday, any school event, and any extra curricular activity on the calendar.  

Physical Education - How to hold two babies in your arms AND hold the hand of your oldest child while walking through a parking lot. First lesson: How to hold 50 lbs worth of little humans but not be able to do push-ups. 

If you are interested in enrolling in any of the above courses, please feel free to make babies.


1 comment:

  1. My comment never posted on this thread the other day... but this cracked me up so good !! :)